i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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