Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
