is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
