im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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