11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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