i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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