The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
