this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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