my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
