Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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