i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
