$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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