I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You ate ashes out of my bong
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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