There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
