Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
