I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
