It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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