I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
