i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
