i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
