Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
