final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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