Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
