He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
