1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
