After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
