I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have feelings that need drinking.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
