I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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