Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍