I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea