I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
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