i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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