i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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