i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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