There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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