Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
