haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
