You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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