Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
