I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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