omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
