she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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