I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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