watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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