I think im going to throw up on grandma
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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