If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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