got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
