My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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