She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
