he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
