i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
