First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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