I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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