In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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