I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
