Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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