Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
