Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
