This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
