he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
we should paint friendship bongs
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